Wednesday, 27 December 2017
Distracted
I wrote a page or two in the CancerCare waiting room today and - what do you know, just to illustrate the point of my writing - seem to have mislaid it on the way back. It was about my head being elsewhere when I have visitors or I'm out somewhere. I'm talking to them, but I'm aware, in an awful, bungling: not nurtury kind of way, of Geoff's plight. So midway between someone's story I will go over to him to see how he is, suddenly. However, I don't think ahead, or plan. I feel badly that he drove me over for babysitting, but didn't think to myself, hang on, he doesn't need to come at all. I could have gone by myself to begin with. And I'm being abrupt, rude, to family members because I'm not focusing on them and what they're saying at all. I'm not liking myself much at the moment. The balls I'm juggling are falling around me.
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Your loved ones do not expect you to cope well or be considerate of them. If you need help or want anything, please ask us. It's also hard for us to know what to do so I'm sorry if we sometimes seem insensitive too. I think when someone goes through a crisis, she feels superhuman almost and as if she can take on anything and everything, as if not cool with all the trivial things means she won't cope with the crisis. xxx
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I'd like to say (although I realise I don't know much) is that you don't have to prepare yourself for the separation because it's impossible; I think sometimes people try to become independent in advance, to protect themselves maybe; you should just be as attached as can be until the end, or beyond that into eternity.
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